He was sick, and should getting injected which had too much pain. I wrote a love letter in my notebook:
Remember you had a pin, and pushed it on my hand. You said, “If you love me, you should let me thrust it.” I saw your smile, so it was hard to stop you, but just face you to logic. Now, you told me you got too much pain, and I’m crying. I want Lord give me all of your pain then you be fine. Please God, pleas God, let I get all my love sick and pain, but he be fine.
It’s long time I’m alone. Maybe I can say whole of my life I was alone. Absolutely my family stand with me, but I talk about a special person who can coming with me side by side.
Also, I can say whole of my life I have been looking for a buddy for make a family together, so why am I alone? What’s the problem?
Explanation about that is hard because 27 years are behind it; However, in a sentence I’m trying to say: I spent my life for a stupid love, and I feel he killed my sense while I have been free of that. I lost my confidenc, and disappoint about find it.
What was I supposed to? Life continues, and my life too. Steve Maraboli said, “Life doesn’t get easier or more forgiving, we get stronger and more resilient.” It’s true, and I go alone and stronger.
Last week, I thought I’m hiding, and asked myself: how do people can see me and getting to know while I’m discreet? I tried to back to gay apps, but doesn’t work. I find two boy who LTR minded and monogamy wanted. I don’t feel they are eager, and been a little disappointed and hiding again.
A year passed, and I have been tried to take a piece of quiet. In Iran and Turkey, I used to some gay activism. For instance, I would write about Iranian LGBTQ issue in my blog or some electronic gay magazine, and I would find a solution for them issue by counselling with some professional LGBTQ activist. Those was stressful and pushed me to became a depression. In last year, I focus on myself to get myself up.
Now, I’m in top of my English class, and the school encouraged me as they did for all top classes student.
I have plan for each days, each month, each year, until ten years later. Any achievement came from this planing which helps me to what, why, how, where, when, should I go.
I seid 4ws, but English has 5ws. The messing is who. I can not planning for who come in my life. I can controller meeting with a kind, honest, monogamous, young, non drug, non tattoo, and etc, but I don’t know his plan. Maybe he change everything. This is the tricky part of life.
In the end, I see my last post, and compar it; I see how much I can be able to going with my plan.