It’s 4:23 AM that I am still awake while tomorrow I have some room visiting appointment then work from 4:30 PM to afther midnight. Life became a stressful in these days what I am looking for a place to call it home. Therefore, it’s hard to sleep night by night when February going to finish in number 29 and 10 days left for leaving this place as my one and half year home.
I couldn’t find a place with all posetiv feel which usually I chose from this feeling, for anything selective. People mostly are not responding my contacts by any reasons or them room are not what I expect for living. Even these two last days I have been down to go somewhere by taking it easy than before than.
However, a point make me happy in this time: I can communicate with people who are offering me the rooms or bachelors. Before was hard to understand them as much as to find a right roomie with all my life experience. Thus, I want to keep myself optimist.
Now is 3:39 of Family Day morning and I listening to Will You Be There with my all hope in these ten days left. I have hope that in all my pain, a four wall room with a window can hold me, carry me, show me, and be there which my home in Turkey when I was refugee done that for myself. A safe, positive, hopeful place that I need.
I am far away from my hometown for about more than five and half years; That did not come from my choice. Nightmares came nights and the nights after even though I used to act carefully such as writing by my nick name or asking about people that I was going to meet them. thus, I forced to leave my family, friends and my love: my country, Iran. The day I decided to left my country was sad, fearful and hopeful as well.
It was sad while I left my family. When they need I to play as a son and or a brother role for them, I am not there. I remember a day my sister talk about issues that I could fix it, but I hang up because I could not stop crying. It was unhappy when I need them as well. For example, I was sick and I could not ate for two day, but I knew I can eat if my mother bring a sup. I could image these sad days coming, so I got down, and I scared of it.
Cheapest way what I could find a safe place to call new home was been refugee in second country, so it was fearful because my future in Turkey as a refugee and third country, which I was not allow to choice it, was dark. Turkey is a Islamic country even by secular reign the people and government there are believing to Islamic verdicts. there is several report of homophobia at Turkey. Also as a migrant is hard to survive myself while I could not talk in those countries languages. That was a afraid movement what I done it with all my hope to have future.
Left my country to make my life at a peace and free land was the positive side of my refugee time. Picture of coming out in school, at work and even front of strangers have been sweet part of this piece of chocolate on my life. I might see the colour more than taste cause people remember pictures more than taste, but how about take a piece of quite at my hometown? is that fair for finding a safe place I was force to left my love: my Iran?
In North America, Thanksgiving traditional is have being with family as Christmas Eve, and in Iran Yalda Night has same traditional as well. these days was coming Continuous. In Canada, Thanksgiving was October 9th and In US was November 23rd. Yalda Night was December 21st, and Christmas Eve same as every years. After the US Thanks giving I got a worst infection that I never passed sickness like that. as I mention it, I could not ate any food and even drink. I start crying like a baby and wants my mother. I start asking from that day until Yalda Night: why I can not to go at my hometown for just visit my family? On the Christmas Eve got worse and I keep asking while I watching beautiful moments of soldier who back home after while and crying. A similar: love country, but a big different: fight outside of country for inside.
Good and bad is everywhere, we should find it from inside. It depends to how we see it. I see beauty more than darkness while I came Canada.
I should be great full of all beauty that coast to coast has it and I am. I want be a person who Canada would proud of.
I want to say to myself, here, in our bar with all beauty and beast, that: I’ll be the best for you my new land.
Love takes time.
It needs a history of giving and receiving, laughing and crying…
Love never promises instant gratification,
only ultimate fulfillment.
Love means believing in someone, in something.
It supposes a willingness to struggle, to work, to suffer, and to rejoice.
Satisfaction and ultimate fulfillment are by-products of dedicated love.
They belong only to those who can reach beyond themselves;
to whom giving is more important than receiving.
Love is doing everything you can to help others build whatever dreams they have.
Love involves much careful and active listening.
It is doing whatever needs to be done,
and saving whatever will promote the other’s happiness, security, and well-being.
Sometimes, love hurts.
Love is on a constant journey to what others need.
It must be attentive, caring and open,
both to what others say and to what others cannot say.
Love says no with empathy and great compassion.
Love is firm, but when needed it must be tender.
When others have tried and failed,
love is the hand in yours
in your moments of discouragement and disappointment.
Love is reliable.
Love is a choice and commitment
to others’ true and lasting happiness.
It is dedicated to growth and fulfillment.
Love is not selfish.
Love forgives, knowing the intentions are good.
Love does not attach conditions…
Genuine love is always a free gift.
Love realizes and accepts that there will be
disagreements and disturbing emotions…
There may be times when miles lay between,
but love is a commitment.
It believes, and endures all things.
Love encourages freedom of self.
Love shares positive and negative reactions
to warm and cold feelings.
Love, intimate love, will never reject others.
It is the first to encourage and the last to condemn.
Love is a commitment to growth, happiness,
and fulfillment of one another
By Barb Upham
He was sick, and should getting injected which had too much pain. I wrote a love letter in my notebook:
Remember you had a pin, and pushed it on my hand. You said, “If you love me, you should let me thrust it.” I saw your smile, so it was hard to stop you, but just face you to logic. Now, you told me you got too much pain, and I’m crying. I want Lord give me all of your pain then you be fine. Please God, pleas God, let I get all my love sick and pain, but he be fine.
It’s long time I’m alone. Maybe I can say whole of my life I was alone. Absolutely my family stand with me, but I talk about a special person who can coming with me side by side.
Also, I can say whole of my life I have been looking for a buddy for make a family together, so why am I alone? What’s the problem?
Explanation about that is hard because 27 years are behind it; However, in a sentence I’m trying to say: I spent my life for a stupid love, and I feel he killed my sense while I have been free of that. I lost my confidenc, and disappoint about find it.
What was I supposed to? Life continues, and my life too. Steve Maraboli said, “Life doesn’t get easier or more forgiving, we get stronger and more resilient.” It’s true, and I go alone and stronger.
Last week, I thought I’m hiding, and asked myself: how do people can see me and getting to know while I’m discreet? I tried to back to gay apps, but doesn’t work. I find two boy who LTR minded and monogamy wanted. I don’t feel they are eager, and been a little disappointed and hiding again.
A year passed, and I have been tried to take a piece of quiet. In Iran and Turkey, I used to some gay activism. For instance, I would write about Iranian LGBTQ issue in my blog or some electronic gay magazine, and I would find a solution for them issue by counselling with some professional LGBTQ activist. Those was stressful and pushed me to became a depression. In last year, I focus on myself to get myself up.
Now, I’m in top of my English class, and the school encouraged me as they did for all top classes student.
I have plan for each days, each month, each year, until ten years later. Any achievement came from this planing which helps me to what, why, how, where, when, should I go.
I seid 4ws, but English has 5ws. The messing is who. I can not planning for who come in my life. I can controller meeting with a kind, honest, monogamous, young, non drug, non tattoo, and etc, but I don’t know his plan. Maybe he change everything. This is the tricky part of life.
In the end, I see my last post, and compar it; I see how much I can be able to going with my plan.