Right Now (02)

It’s eight minute to midnight of Sunday July twenty ninth of two thousand eighteen and too much things going on, but I’m doing well while I can not understand how.

I change my job and new job is tough for me. I am professional fundraiser now which I always love to be a part of fundraising for a charity. people get help from them; people help people from them; I am not work for them; however, I am the connection of the power of helping in a half capitalism country. For sure I’m a seller, but I sell kindness to people. While people buy kindness and donate to a charity for helping their target people, I smile and feel I made that money for those people.

Also something is wrong in my life and I know what is it, but explain that is too hard. I need more time and energy to fix it or I need to fight it. In these couple days I have to chose. Fight against a things doesn’t means we going to fix that because there is a possibility of losing. On the other hand, when we want to fix something with deep analyses, then we will be the master of that situation who control everything. In a battle there is violence, damage, suffering, getting hurt. I survive all of my life and I am not scare to get hurt; however, I am smart enough to understand when, where and how should I fight or fix.

Now after writing this I can understand why I am doing well: life experience. Did I say I will telling you my stories? well, sorry for late. I was too busy as always here in Toronto, but I promise next week I will write the first post. pop in soon folk.

Right Now (01)

It’s one and sixteen AM of Wednesday June thirteenth of two thousand eighteen and I’m writing when a playlist from Spotify named Deep Sleeping is suppose to falling me in deep sleeping. While I’m writing this, coughing of a small cold in my body that go and back this last seven day. The central AC is like my cold: on and off; keep my room cold as my body. Also, I am thinking about five new plans in this summer: diet, gym, financial, education and working plan. I will finish my last shift at current job this Friday and I am going to change my field to something totally different after tree month that I been became a vegetarian.

I stopped while I was in meddle of my planing and thought about my memories that how dramatic is. Then I thought about my blog, this blog. Many of posts are about this dramatic events in my life and many of them written on the posts named in Persian “Alaan” which means right now. Thus, right now I’m writing about right now and the right now posts because I thought maybe I can share my life stories in English and in this blog.

I do not mind about who will read these posts because my blog readers comes from everywhere by google and they might read my posts from eight years ago or today,  so anyone at anytime are able to read my stories from this night to the end of my life.

I will write about how I found myself as a gay and made this blog. Before that, I should update or make new pentagon plans base on my favorite way which is answer to five question. What should I do? Why? How, where and when should I go? however it’s too late for now, so I’m going to bed.

There will be somewhere

It’s 4:23 AM that I am still awake while tomorrow I have some room visiting appointment then work from 4:30 PM to afther midnight. Life became a stressful in these days what I am looking for a place to call it home. Therefore, it’s hard to sleep night by night when February going to finish in number 29 and 10 days left for leaving this place as my one and half year home.

I couldn’t find a place with all posetiv feel which usually I chose from this feeling, for anything selective. People mostly are not responding my contacts by any reasons or them room are not what I expect for living. Even these two last days I have been down to go somewhere by taking it easy than before than.

However, a point make me happy in this time: I can communicate with people who are offering me the rooms or bachelors. Before was hard to understand them as much as to find a right roomie with all my life experience. Thus, I want to keep myself optimist.

Now is 3:39 of Family Day morning and I listening to Will You Be There with my all hope in these ten days left. I have hope that in all my pain, a four wall room with a window can hold me, carry me, show me, and be there which my home in Turkey when I was refugee done that for myself. A safe, positive, hopeful place that I need.